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The Man in the Mirror

I must be cursed. No man should ever be told in his life that he looks like David Schwimmer, let alone told almost everyday. My daily endeavors bring me irrelevant recognition. As a waiter I come across a lot of people, especially ones that I’ve never seen before. For some cruel and bizarre reason, in about one out of every ten tables someone will say, “hey, you know who you look like?” I brace myself, it’s coming. “That guy Schwimmer, Ross from the show, yeah that’s who you look like....”

First of all you’d be surprised how many Friends fans there are (which is highly pathetic on its own), but what has the world come to when everywhere you go you are accused of possessing the semblance of a known, whining dork from another corny TV show? Don’t even try to tell me it’s a compliment in any regard, you bastards. I liked The Pallbearer as much as anyone, but I’m entitled to my disdain. Now I really don’t think I look like Schwimmer, in fact, I believe it’s endearing to his whack-ass as it is an insult on my behalf. As these ignorant plebeians attempt to chip away at my identity I simply grin and say, “I get that a lot, I guess I just have one of those familiar faces.” Then I ask if they would like anything to drink.

The point is, I have been raped of my innocence by this lunacy. Schwimmer, if you’re reading this, buddy listen…you can’t be going around with my mug acting like a buffoon. We can’t have this display of foolishness, it leads to people judging me as a silly sap before I even speak. One lady went as far as calling me David the entire evening, another lady, who said I was the spitting image of her son Bill, was comfortable in naming me that during her derisive dinner party. Oh, I’ve been told I look like some other people which I didn’t find quite as offensive. For example I’ve heard Wayne Chrebet, Tom Morello, Kyle McLaughlin, even heard Richard Gear. It’s useless, my very livelihood has been sucked out of me, I’m left in a cold vapid state of embarrassment. Maybe that’s going a little far, but you can imagine how frustrating it is to share a visage with this clown.

So, is it that I have a face like a million others, as if I’d been cut out of some cosmic cloth from which thousands of bizarros are callously created? Or, am I through some twisted roll of the dice actually related to Schwimmer? God no. Well you can judge for yourself. And if someday you should happen to come across a news report telling of a Schwimmer look-alike gone berserk in your local swanky restaurant; don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 

 

 

 

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