Sports Dude V. Sports Dude.net

I would like to apologize for not writing a column last week. As I was immersed in law school finals (now thankfully done), I did not have time to write my weekly dose of opining and bodalicious jokes. I did however, begin a correspondence with a man who has emerged as my archenemy. This man is no other than David Renshaw aka “The Sports Dude” of www.thesportsdude.net. The existence of this fraud first came to my attention by a post on the 1 Tuff message board by a vagrant hiding behind the name of Frank Muniz. I went and checked out the site, but please do not make the same mistake I did by first going to www.sportsdude.com (The Real Sports Dude does not, I repeat does not endorse this site, though it is a favorite of life partners Adam Davis and Ziggy Shaeffer). Once at the home of The Sports Dude.net, a menagerie of bland opinions and witless commentary underwhelmed me. So angered at his misuse of the Dude moniker, I wrote to inform him of my displeasure. The following are the un-doctored emails between the dueling Sports Dudes. After each correspondence I will offer my commentary a la Beavis and Butthead circa 1993 (when it was funny, but not as amusing as the 1992 commentary).

Hello Sports Dude,

Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Sports Dude. I write for a website named www.1tuffplace.com. Your existence recently came to my attention. I will not tell you who told me about you, but I will let you know it was neither friend nor foe. It seems as if we have a dilemma as to who is the real Sports Dude! So you know, I have two T‑shirts that have been made in my honor, one is a kelly green shirt which reads "Sports Dude is Gorges" (a clever play on words if you have ever been to Ithaca, NY) and a shirt with a pattern of the Australian flag that proclaims me as the "Sports Bloke." How many T-shirts do you have? How do we end this dilemma and proclaim who the real dude is? A Danceoff!!! Just kidding...I am challenging you to a sports trivia duel to be handled at the website on the message board or perhaps via email. I implore you to get your head out of the sand and reply so that we can have a running dialogue and hash things out. We don't want a Ray's Pizza situation to break out.

Sincerely,

The True Sports Dude

Reply from Renshaw:

Honestly, I couldn't care less if you want to call yourself Superman. Enjoy your website. I'll do my television show. And we'll both be sports fans. No contests needed or required. If outerwear is the judge, I suppose you might win. If exposure is... then I might. But in the end we can peacefully co-exist. Like Allen Iverson and any coach he may have.

Regards,

David Renshaw

David Renshaw is... The Sports Dude
Wednesdays at 6:00 PM on Channel 11
TheSportsDude@hotmail.com
www.TheSportsDude.net

Well I must say that I was quite hurt by Sports Dude.net’s reply. I thought he’d be ecstatic to find another sports dude in the world. Kinda like when Balky found Cousin Larry, but no, Renshaw wanted nothing to do with me. He did seem particularly proud of his television show, which I believe is the second lowest rated show on the lowest rated network in the 609 th largest market in America. I think 1 Tuff Place gets more viewers on a weekly basis than Renshaw gets in a month. It also appears as if he has no “sports dude” or “sports bloke” themed shirts, which is just sad for someone who has the gall to refer to himself as a dude of sports. I mean seriously, you need at least one. I also love how he shows off his knowledge of sports by making an obscure Allen Iverson-head coach reference. Way over my head. Jeez, this guy is clever. Furthermore, when it came down to the meat and potatoes issue of a sports trivia contest as a way to coronate the true Sports Dude; he wanted nothing to do with it. This kind of attitude is not becoming of a Sports Dude, so naturally, I had to write him again to get my point across.

Dear Psuedo Sports Dude,

I'm sorry if I came off antagonistic in my previous email. I have no business taking on a big TV star such as yourself. I do think you are wrong about one thing though, there is no room in this world for two Sports Dudes! The world population is increasing exponentially; soon we will be shoulder to shoulder with each other. Then what? Every time someone yells “Sports Dude,” we'll both answer, and I don't want to live in a world like that and I would think neither do you.

Also, where I come from outerwear would determine whom the real Sports Dude is, but I'll give you the home field advantage on that one. Also, I have read your column, which is about as lively as Pat Tillman (too soon?). Again I would like to challenge you to a battle of sports knowledge...rules TBD (to be determined)...to see for once and all whom the real Sports Dude is. Until next time...life is sports, and sports is life.

The Real Sports Dude

Reply from Renshaw:

Again... thanks, but no thanks. I'll just do my thing, and you can do yours. Enjoy a great baseball season. We'll both hope that the curse will finally be broken.

Cheers.

David Renshaw is... The Sports Dude

First of all, why does this guy want the curse broken? My apologies to the Cubs and Red Sox fans who read this, but the curses are good for baseball. It not only gets the average fan into the playoffs, but also gets Joe Lunchpail, Suzy Homemaker, and there kids Johnny X-games and Jenny X-Box into the game and storylines as well as keeping them coming back for more next season. MLB would be better off if there were more curses! This Renshaw is a coward and he must be goaded into a confrontation. This is why I am imploring all the Dudeheads and Dudettes to email Renshaw at TheSportsDude@hotmail.com and let him know how much he sucks and how yellow (not Asian, but afraid) he is by not taking me up on the sports trivia-off. Hopefully this will drive him to brink of insanity. Thanks in advance for your help in Project Sports Dude.net Sucks Balls and please email me with any correspondence you two may have (note: I think I’ve broken my own record for using the word correspondence in one column).

Though I wasn’t planning on turning this into a full mailbag column, a reader has pleaded with me to publish and answer a recent email of his. So Ethan here you go:

Sports Dude,

After reading your responses, I am extremely disgusted by a few things. Specifically your strong admonition of the great State of New Jersey (Garden State) and your distaste for hair gelling. Your jealousy of my state is appalling and I would strongly urge you to recant your comments. In regard to hair gelling, what expertise do you possess in style that enables you to give advice on hair gelling? Hair gelling is awesome! Take it from me. Best of luck with that search for a southern trophy wife.

Ethan, New Jersey

Well Ethan, where should I begin? First of all, the only people whom like the State of Jersey (isn’t it more of a shared territory of New York City and Philadelphia?) are residents of the dirty Jersey. And those people only taut Jersey as a defense mechanism because everybody is always bashing them and their state. They are united because the rest of the country makes fun of them (sort of like Nick and Jessica). Secondly, you are a flaming homosexual who wears jeans that enlarge your package. Though you have great hair (it really is quite full) and use a container of LA Looks super-mega hold every time you go out, I trust that you too are not an advocate of the back gel and if you are, your future emails will be banned and our personal friendship may have to be severed.

Remember readers if you want your emails published in a future column just send them to mklotsche80@yahoo.com.

To contact the Sports Dude click here or respond to his irreverence at the 1 Tuff Place Message Board.