The Ramblings

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllloooooooooooooo eveeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrryyyyyyybodyy and welcome to a stream of consciousness column full of the Sports Dude’s innermost thoughts. That’s right, back by popular demand, and because I couldn’t think of a good enough topic to carry an entire column, here are the ramblings!

The NFL meetings were held this past week and the league’s uppity ups took a vote and decided to make a penalty for excessive choreographed end zone celebrations. What gives?! They are really taking the No Fun League moniker to heart. I will miss those celebrations such as the Saints’ pathetic rendition of the leapfrog, the oft copied Hotlanta Dirt Bird, and Terrell Owens many attempts at self-promotion. These shenanigans made football fun. I’m a more complete person having witnessed the "Time Bomb".

While I’m on the NFL, when I’m commissioner I will make an edict declaring that all African-American punters will be referred to as Reggie Roby’s. Who would be against that?

If I were to go out and buy three DVD’s today they would be:

1. Bottle Rocket
2. Donnie Darko
3. Jackass: The Movie

And if I were to go out and buy a fourth it would be Air Supply: Live in Concert.

Have you ever looked at a girl and just thought to yourself that she’d be really hot if she wasn’t so ugly?

To steal a thought from my friend Thomas Triola Jr., there should be something called “secondary embarrassment”. Secondary embarrassment consists of being embarrassed by the actions of someone else. Ex: Adam from Real World Paris is one of the clearest examples of this phenomenon. Every time he rapped I had to avert my eyes from the TV screen because I was so embarrassed by the sheer douche-ness of his urban poetry.

Speaking of the Real World, has there ever been a hotter girl on the show than Cameran? She is my ultimate trophy wife. She's thin (and doesn't have the frame to put on more weight), she's a southern belle

(Sports Dude needs, I repeat, needs a southern belle), and she's hot (another obvious Dude necessity). She would look mighty fine on my arm at all my elitist social events. She was supposed to be at a bar down here a few weeks ago with Randy from San Diego. Well she no-showed and was replaced by the ever-lovable Kendall from Road Rules. I’m pretty sure that Kendall and I are deeply in love with each other, why else would she keep pouring shots down my throat? Just goes to further my life affirming theory "chicks dig big drinkers!" I dare someone to prove me wrong.

Is there an unspoken rule that grey haired dudes with bushy beards and long hair must be referred to as Jerry Garcia? Can no one come up with original nicknames anymore?

It is very rare that the Sports Dude issues a retraction/apology, but I realized that I offended a large portion of my readership by ripping on the NHL and, more specifically, the Islanders. I had previously anointed myself as the #1 Islanders fan, but now I have demoted myself to #2. "Ol'Bandwagon jumpin’" Anil remains #400,005. For a little background on Anil, he became a Yankee fan around 1996 and was a big time Marlin supporter in 1997. I needn’t state the obvious.

Did Jose Reyes inherit Vince Coleman’s hamstrings? If so, I hope he didn't inherit his penchant for tossing M-80s into crowded public places.

There’s nothing more soothing than launching a glass bottle or piece of furniture off of a third story balcony. The arc followed by the smash is a beautiful, beautiful thing. However, it really sketches girls out.

Conor, sorry to advertise another website on your site, but if you haven’t already please check out this site: http://www.members.aol.com/JesusImages/. It is the highest of the high in unintentional comedy, and very creepy.

It may be a surprise to Dudeheads everywhere, but the Dude has never won a fantasy league. As the Debbie Gibson song says "The times they are a changin." It looks like I will be in the finals of both my basketball leagues. Please say a prayer or two for the Sports Dude’s two squads: Team Chi Psi and Kermit Washington’s Suckapunchas (credit Doorface for the team name).

Quick NCAA Final Pick: UCONN over Ga. Tech by 5 followed by the looting of the one store in Storrs, Conn.

Missing: Two eyebrows belonging to one Charlie Villanueva. If found, please return to the University of Connecticut’s athletic department. The pair were last seen cavorting with A.J. Soprano’s similarly missing brows.

A disgruntled Mets fan put Roger Cedeno up for auction on Ebay last week. He was taken off the site, but not before some guy named Phillips bid $13 Million.

Well…my dry well of creativity has run even drier and I have to get prettied up for my date with an open bar at the Law School’s “prom”. It’s going to be a long night of gooning out professors, sketching out chicks, and soiling my reputation and dignity. So until next time, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

Sports is Life and Life is Sports.