The Fortnight In Review

Well, it’s been too long since your Dudehead eyes last graced a new Sports Dude column. I have decided to take a look back at the major happenings in the sports/pop culture world over the past two weeks or so. I hope you take as much pleasure in these life affirming topics as does the Dude.

Just saw the Roy Jones Jr.-Tarver fight and I remained a bit unsettled by the outcome, not simply that Roy lost, but how he lost. For so long, Roy had been an unbeatable figure in the sports world. I’d seen him break someone’s rib with a punch, literally beat a fighter with one hand, and pick apart a bland and timid heavyweight (we all knew John Ruiz was done for when he came out to Billy Joel’s " Paris Island"). Watching a Jones fight was akin to viewing a Tyson fight from two decades earlier, the outcome was never in doubt, but you watched to see how the poor tomato can on the receiving end of the lightning quick punches got the stuffing beat out of him. Also similar to NASCAR, where the ‘billies go to see an accident rather than an outcome (though Sports Dude has become partially southernized, he still does not advocate auto racing and does not recognize it as a sport).

Getting back to my main point, Roy has become almost a mythical figure, an Achilles type warrior (sorry, this reference is just an excuse for Conor to provide you with a gratuitous Brad Pitt beefcake photo). To see Roy get knocked out, to see his legs quiver and swoon (a similar reaction the Sports Dudettes have when in the presence of the Dude), to see his visage dazed, and to seem him stagger and not make the ten count made me sad. I knew it was the end of an era. The unbeatable had now become beatable. It made me wonder if everything else in life I took for granted like the sun coming up or the regrets after a night of big drinking may no longer be. Well, enough of the big emoting, it’s time to move onto some lighter fare. 

Lindsay Lohan. For those of you who don’t know who she is (if you don’t you may very well not care since you are clearly a homosexual), Lindsay is the new teen "it" girl. In seemingly a two week span she went from gawky sort of cute Disney movie chick to a full fledged voluptuous tasty. Lohan is currently starring in Mean Girls, she will soon be seen in a hot Vanity Fair shoot, she was in a love triangle with fellow teen heartthrobs Hilary Duff and Aaron Carter, there are nip-slip pics of her taken by the paparazzo, and the best part is that she is a legit 17! I will not post the link for the nip-slip pics out of fear of being arrested but if you sniff around the net you should find them. If her and I were to one day get married (in my mind we are a week deep into a fictional relationship and it’s really just a matter of time till our hypothetical nuptials), we would have to adopt due to her red hair/freckle genes. I hope she doesn’t mind.

Interesting Sports Dude happenings:

I finally got t-shirts printed up emblazoned with my personal life affirming motto of "Chicks Dig Big Drinkers." Hopefully they will be available for purchase at the 1 Tuff Store sometime soon.

This past Thursday, I made my presence felt at a local cowboy bar named "8 Seconds." This bar was not named after the Luke Perry movie (excuse to put in a boffo Luke Perry pic), but after the rodeo term for a full bull ride. There was line dancing, which I’ll partake in sometime soon, lots of boot, oversized belt buckles and cowboy hats, and a mechanical bull! Now there is no way the Sports Dude did not ride that bull. I must say I dominated the bull for about 10 secs before the punk running it decided to make it buck and I started to feel a little queasy. All in all a great time though, and I highly recommend it to all of you. On a side note, later I proceeded to puke in the bed of my friend’s pickup truck (thus fulfilling the High and Holy Honky Tonk Trinity of big boozing, simulated bull riding, and puking in pickups), but that is a whole ‘nother story as they say. 

NBA Playoffs (aka The NeverEnding Story 4)

The Kings choked again. Webber misses a chippy, Christie misses two free throws (Mrs. Christie reportedly made him sleep in the yard that night), and Webber’s three at the buzzer rimmed out, thus placing him with Patrick Ewing as the two least clutch professional athletes in the history of the universe (Anil Bhagavath wins the award for the overall least clutch person). The Bryant-Duncan-Fisher triumvirate of game winning or would-be game winning shots was the greatest ending to a playoff game ever (I’m really throwing superlatives around today). I really thought the Nets would win. Jason Kidd had a Starksian performance in Game 7. At least since they play in NJ, no one really cares enough to get on him about it. 

I am truly intrigued by Katie of Road Rules from this year’s Challenge. She competes every season despite her knowing that her entire team despises her and she despises them right back. The team conspires to get rid of her by throwing missions to send her to the gauntlet/inferno, but never gets eliminated. She is like the wrestler in the Battle Royale who everyone teams up on to get them out, but he keeps holding onto that top rope or gets back in the ring without having his feet touch the floor. It’s truly amazing to watch her half-ass her way through missions, subject herself to verbal and physical punishment, and keep surviving. I guess that combination of money + momentary fame keeps her coming back for more, and it has made for a great subplot. 

To contact the Sports Dude click here or respond to his irreverence at the 1 Tuff Place Message Board.