From the Mailbag

Well every once in a while the Sports Dude is either very busy or does not feel like writing a whole column. Today is one of those cases. The Dude is deeply immersed in studying for his first group of law school finals. For those of you who are unaware, your entire grade in a law school class is based upon a cumulative final covering all of the semester’s information. It’s a high pressure situation that entails a lot of reading and the Sports Dude has Knick playoff games to watch and just got the MLB.com feed for Mets games so something’s gotta give. So, I guess I’ll be back inputting data at Adecco in a few weeks. Dudeheads and Dudettes, due to time constraints if the Sports Dude’s next two or three columns have a few less words, what I will lose in quantity I will make up for in quality, so please get off that ledge because you will get your legally allowed dose of the Dude. My mailbag has been overflowing for the last few weeks and in an effort to empty it, I have posted and responded to those that I deem Dude-worthy. 

The most popular subject of the emails went something like this:

Sports Dude, love your insights, but why do you hate the Yankees so much?!

-Nick Tabacchi, Colorado

Well Nick, I could write a whole column...wait perhaps a whole thesis...no, even better, a whole novel...nope a voluminous series of books of encyclopedic proportion that would fully explain why I hate the Yankees. To sum it up as simply as I can, I’ll just say that since I am a Met fan it is physically and emotionally my duty to root against the Yanks in any way possible. Furthermore, it is just plain fun to root against them. It’s like booing the heel wrestler. Every sport needs a bad guy. Steinbrenner and the Yankees fit that role perfectly. Yankee hatred works on so many levels. As the old joke goes, I have two favorite teams, the Mets and whoever the Yankees are playing. 

Shifting gears, I have two emails from my burgeoning readership in Gainesville, Florida. 

Sports Dude,

As a born and raised southerner, I was wondering what you thought of the southern women and how your pursuit of a southern belle trophy was going? Is the Sports Dude's game translating well to those country girls? Or do they find your turned up collar and Ivy League pedigree too intimidating?

Sincerely, Cisco St. Lucious

Thanks for the question Josh aka Cisco St. Lucious. I thought I had a big breakthrough last week in my never-ending quest for a southern belle trophy wife. It was about 2am (last call) and I was at my ritualistic Thursday night haunt, Market Street Pub. I was rocking an absolutely killer outfit of a yellow polo shit with collar up tucked into awesome multi-colored plaid shorts when a really cute blonde belle came up to me asking if I was in a frat. Ever the quick thinker, I told her I had been where I procured my undergrad education. This, of course, was followed up by the question, "What frat and where did you go to undergrad?" Without hesitation, I replied that I was in Chi Psi at Cornell, playing my first big macking card. She was instantly impressed, even commenting that I must be real smart. So, logically she then asked what I was doing down here. I then played big macking card #2 and told her I was in law school. We made some more chatter and everything was going mucho awesomely when she asked me if I knew this kid Mike, in law school. I said that he’s a good friend of mine and I thought that I had another good in. I was getting ready to take this baby to the landing pad. But then it happened, in a slow motion moment, as the crowd was getting shuffled out by the ‘roided up bouncers I asked for the seven digits that the phone company gave. She said she couldn’t because she’s the GF (girlfriend) of Mike’s good friend. Total bummer! The Sports Dude will remain undeterred by this turn of events and resume his usual sketching out of girls next time he drinks. 

Hey Sports Dude, 

Long time reader, first time emailer. I know this isn't a fashion column,but by the looks of your picture you seem to be quite the dashing dresser.So my question is, what do you think about wearing polo shirts collar up? I've seen some guys doing it but I'm not sure what image this projects.Also, what are your thoughts on back gel? I'm taking a prospective trophywife to a trendy club and I think it might be a good look. Thanks in advancefor your answers.  

Ben, Gainesville, FL 

Ben,

Sports Dude is never one to spurn a fashion question. As is known by my readership, I am the #1 proponent in the nation of rocking collars up. My credo for life is a little literary piece entitled "Collars down are for poor people." If there is an overwhelming response I will post the article in it’s entirety in a future edition of the column. It should give you some clue as to the image projected by the collars that refuse to give in to Newton’s Laws. As far as back gelling goes, there is nothing I despise more than seeing someone back gel. For those of you who are unaware of this phenomenon, backgelling is when clubbers/metrosexuals gel the hair on the back of their heads straight up, as well as the hair on the rest of the scalp in order to form one large flammable fro. Some say it’s the metro’s response to the collars up style, others just say it’s straight up homo. Both schools of thought have good theories, but back gelling just makes me want to punch people in the face. 

Sports Dude,  

You cannot buy my readership by name-dropping me in every column. As a matter of fact, I am filing a cease and desist order as we speak.

Thomas J. T. Jr. (that's my name, don't wear it out!) 

Tom, I simply wanted to give credit where credit was due. I have a feeling if I used your theories without citing the source (or left you out of stories entirely) you would be causing a similar stir. And since I responded to this, your Cal Ripken-like streak of appearing in my column continues.  

Mets suck, and Melo is playoff bound.

Justin C.

Dirty, NJ 

I guess this was more of a comment than a question. Well yes, Melo is playoff bound, but will probably not make it through the T-Wolves as Garnett will finally win a playoff series. And as of writing this, the Mets and Yanks have the same record, so I guess the Yankees suck too. This is just the type of insightful questions/comments that I would expect from a resident of New Jersey. How’s that turnpike smelling? 

Sports Dude,  

What’s your all time favorite pseudo sport? 

G. Todd Fish

Jessica’s Apartment, NJ 

Wow another Jersey email, my editor is not doing a great job of screening emails. Well G. Todd, my favorite pseudo sport would be when Mrs. Fishbein waxes the kitchen floor and her and I put on new socks, strip down to our skivvies, and practice our pairs figure skating routine. My second favorite pseudo sport would be “Roger Cedeno,” invented by G. Todd himself at Cornell on Slope Day 2002. Roger Cedeno was invented in a drunken stupor at the infamous 111 Harvard House (I’m still waiting on that security deposit we’re owed Mr. Shelley!). With many empty beer bottles and cans strewn about the living room, Gary spotted a 2x4 lying on the floor. The logical step from there was to have people pitch the bottles and cans to someone up at bat who would hit them with the 2x4. The game caught on like wildfire and was soon the rage amongst the home’s tenants and guests. A great way to cause damage and have fun, the game was named after free agent bust Roger Cedeno, who as a Met second time around could hit nothing. So it was clever irony that in Roger Cedeno you can hit everything with anything. 

Dearest Sports Dude,

I’m sorry that I have to keep flattering you with unabashed praise, but you are the best writer I have ever read and the only reason I haven’t killed myself is because I know a new column is coming every week. 

Anthony DiRai

Huntington, NY 

Anthony, thanks again for your compliments, but between this email and all of the message board postings, this is bordering on weird and creepy. 

Okay folks, hope you enjoyed the mailbag column. Remember if you ever have any thoughts or questions feel free to email me at mklotsche80@yahoo.com or simply post them on the 1 Tuff Place Message Board that you can access at the top right corner of your screen.