1 Tuff Place

Stallone takes on Myanmar and an increasing irrelevance in John Rambo

Possible future Stallone sequels: Marion Cobretti - one man single-handedly solves the US-Mexico border crisis with the help of a hotrod, a leather jacket, and an eternal 5 o'clock shadow; Ray Tango and Hooch - when Tango's partner, Cash, leaves him in an attempt to resurrect his career, Tango must team up with a lovable pooch in an effort to appeal to an audience too young to scoff at his grotesquely swollen 60 year-old skull; and Lincoln Hawk is Over The Hill - Set amidst the energy crisis, Stallone takes to the cutthroat world of amateur thumb wrestling to win back his effeminate son, a suitcase full of HGH, and a hybrid 18-wheeler.

The future is indeed promising...

If you're going to see just one film this winter save your money and watch something on TV. There is just too much crap out there now in this post Oscar film dump of a season. 300, with its sepia-toned super contrasty CG visuals and no-name cast, is no exception. It's probably the most cocksure a movie as there's ever been. From the film's opening moments (which I can't explicitly remember, but I'm sure somebody was fighting...maybe a child...?) through to the inevitable kill-'em-all climax not once does anyone ever come up for a breath. We're thrown into the bloody soup of ancient Greece and along the way are subjected to some serious seriousness ("This is SPARTA!" Why am I so ANGRY ALL THE TIME?!?). And that would be fine if it weren't for a cast of ridiculous characters (e.g. the Quasimodo/Gollum character I never quite understood, the beastly being with razory flippers for arms, and the abundance of women with nipples the size of DOTS gumdrops) and yawn-inducing fight scenes. I guess we have the Wachowskis to thank and blame for all of this, but I'd be happy if I didn't see another "bullet time" or undercranked-overcranked fight scene ever again. I understand after the hundredth spear impaling that these Spartans are "professional warriors." I just wish that after the credits rolled I could understand why I attended a midnight screening of this silly shit. Any film that stars Quasimodo and doesn't take the time to make light of his impossibly sized hunch just isn't a film I want to associate myself with. I guess the night wasn't a complete waste though. I did get to see the first glimpse of Venom in the new Spiderman 3 trailer:

The must-own DVD of the year.

In honor of Presidents Day we here at 1 Tuff Place salute the true forefathers of our ass-kicking nation, the action movie heroes who defined vigilante justice and rogue cop menace in the late 80s and 90s! Please survey the video clips associated with each forefather, then get out there and start breaking some bones. It’s the American way.