Let me start off by saying that I need to get a job because my days are just too busy without one. There aren’t enough hours in the day to support my hectic lifestyle. For instance, today my full schedule consisted of rolling out of bed at 1pm (I contend that it was only because of daylight savings time kicking in), helping out my pops with some arduous yard work (my once delicate hands are now becoming the hardened paws of a day laborer), working with Wyles on a few soon-to-be Billboard chart toppers, watching my beloved Red Sox kiss the 2004 season away (this after a piss poor season opener performance…hopefully I’ll find the time in the future to further delve into this obsession), catching the west coast broadcast of The Sopranos, and then having to craft yet another masterwork column for 1 Tuff (not to mention make sense out of Wyles and Sports Dude’s literary train wrecks). 1 Tuff has become the full time job I always wanted, but alas, I have yet to see a single peso, koruna, or rupee come from all my blood, sweat, and more sweat (my office is quite warm). But that is all about to change mis amigos. May I privy you to my latest entrepreneurial endeavor and then solicit you like only a cold-blooded bastard/dedicated salesman can…

The 1 Tuff Five & Dime Store

Seeking to fill the void after the demise of the Wu-Tang Clan and their ridiculous worldwide branding campaign, 1 Tuff Place (and its subsidiaries Flava Tribe and Sports Dude, Inc.) will be launching an online store based on the successful business plan executed by Zack Morris in his takeover of the Bayside School Store. First, the Five & Dime (5&D on the Dow Jones Industrial) will exorcise any and all nerd/geek/dweeb influence from the 1 Tuff Brand (with Mario Lopez serving as hired muscle), namely one Matthew --censored--. Though Mr. --censored-- presently embodies the Sports Dude brand, through legal wrangling and old-fashioned strong arming, 1 Tuff Place has acquired exclusive rights to the Sports Dude name and, upon acquisition, issued a cease-and-desist order to Mr. --censored--. In addition to sparing you, the reader, from any further crude sophomoric diatribes this will open the door for a slightly better looking, less socially polarizing Dude. And who better to fit the mold than the mystifyingly androgynous Clay Aiken? Rather than stating an opinion like “Real World: San Diego is way cooler than RW: Paris,” our key to unlocking the goldmine that is the Midwest audience will simply state, “both are awesome!” Our in-house 1 Tuff economists have already determined that it will take $500,000 to contract Mr. Aiken’s services for the calendar year and, frankly, we are willing to pay whatever it takes to add this complex and massively intelligent crowd-pleaser to our talent roster.

Now that we will have calculatedly sold out, with visitors numbering in the millions the demand for kitschy, mildly-retarded memorabilia will increase tenfold. This is where the other large portion of our initial budget comes into play… 1 Tuff Place will contribute an underhanded donation of $200,000 to the reelection efforts of the Bush/Cheney ’04 Campaign. After Clay Aiken’s uninspired rendition of “ America the Beautiful” stuns the wealthy masses at the Republican National Convention this September (propelling Colin Powell to exclaim, “Dude…HE is awesome!”), there will be no remaining reasons for the frightened, uninformed public to not vote Bush. With our hands deep in DC’s most bottomless pockets, 1 Tuff can successfully lobby for the expanded enslavement of the Malaysian population so that we can manufacture 1 Tuff soaps and various Wyles Mallo lawn ornaments at rock bottom costs.

So this is what I am asking you, o hallowed 1 Tuff devotees…give me money. Whether you dream of the day when you can purchase a customized Flava Tribe welcome mat or just feel sorry for someone that has stooped to political mudslinging in an otherwise passive online environment, it really doesn’t matter to this guy. Following last week’s introductory column I received a number of communiqués from friends and lesser known acquaintances wishing to boast of their higher standards-of-living and convey their general disapproval of my lifestyle. Some suggested I do as other web freak show exhibits have and ask for donations from my sympathetic audience. As a proud yet timid man, I shan’t do such whorish acts. Instead, I leave it up to you America. When you receive the 1 Tuff mailing at your residence, fill it out and include your donation if you are in support of our worthwhile endeavor. If you choose not to, thinking this was a weak, insipid column, know this…it’s been a long and incredibly busy week, and can only get worse with Opening Day tomorrow.