“Dude. Game On.”
So read the confirmation of my acceptance into this Saturday’s inaugural Wiimbledon Nintendo Wii Tennis Tournament. It should be of no surprise that Wii Tennis is the sport of choice for the 1 Tuff populace. Thank the genius freak minds over at Nintendo for taking the dynamic nature of sport and making it sedentary with just enough illusions of would-be fitness to assuage our guilt. Hell, Wii Tennis is so great that you don’t even have to control the movement of your player, all you do is swing the remote. CmcWii gets his virtual sweat on while CmcD occasionally flicks his wrist. Word around the country is that Wii Sports has replaced (or runs a close second to) masturbation as the most accurate solitary simulation. Barring a Durex-sponsored Whack Off Tournament, Wiimbledon will be the closest many come to engaging in an actual, physical event between two consenting individuals. And it’s time for a champion to rear his head. It’s time for a champion to come out on top. Forget it. I’m taking this tourney. “And you can take that to the bank...the blood bank” (S. Seagal as M. Storm, 1990).
Throughout the week I’ll be posting updates (about time, right?) leading to Saturday’s main event, held from 12-5pm at Barcade in Brooklyn. I have devised a training regimen that specifically targets the environs and fauna that will constitute Wiimbledon ’07. Last night, while shaking out the last load of the day’s harvest, I jotted down these points to focus on in the final days of training and preparation.
- Dress to Depress – the oft-delayed production of Anyone For Wii (1 Tuff Place, 2007) has left me with an unusually skimpy uniform that could seriously trouble an opposing Wii racketeer. This outfit has doubled as women’s sleepwear and looked much more appropriate. Wear it with the high socks and Air Jordan V’s. Do unusual stretching maneuvers before game.
- Who’s Harry Crunk? – Barcade is not Arcade with a B, but Bar with a ‘cade dangling off. Train like it’s game day. Start drinking double oatmeal chocolate sundae stouts by the bucket-full while Wii-ing. Play a constant loop of TV On the Radio, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, and The Hold Steady and try to keep up a smile.
- The Men of Space Station 11 – the crowd at this joint is going to be distinctive and thus distracting. If there are any spare mannequins lying around the training center it’s best to position them around the TV. Then just hang a fake beard on ‘em and off we go. Maybe a fedora too, but only if there’s multiple beardeds. If short on mannequins...wait, why the fuck would we be short on mannequins?!
- Downtime - There’s going to be a lot of downtime before the first match and any subsequent matches should I advance. During that downtime I’ll need to play a lot of Budweiser Tapper, arguably my favorite video game ever. Barcade has the original coin-op version, before it expanded out of bars into homes in the early 80s as Root Beer Tapper. This is the kind of relic that has ashtrays and can holders built-in!
And here we are, 25 years later, once again playing video games in a bar. Enough nostalgia, I have to get practicing.