I can’t even remember where I saw the guy. TV, on something. All I know is I was so completely captivated by the man’s follicular breadth that I shot up, punched his name into my cellphone and collapsed. When I came to, I had a vision: the Flux…wait, no…LeRoy Neiman’s dazzling mustache.
Look at that thing. It’s gorgeous and new and different. Well, actually, it’s the same it’s been for 50-something years. But it’s new to me, different from anything else I’ve ever seen. Neiman’s a painter, does semi-abstract (I guess that’s a term?) paintings of animals and famous locales, athletes and actors, hobnobbed with everyone from Sinatra to Ali to Keith Hernandez. It’s clearly an artist’s stache, original and memorable. It makes an impression.
That thing’s got the wingspan of an albatross. It’s like he went to the fake mustache factory and pulled one off the assembly line before they had a chance to chop it into normal-sized fake mustaches. You always find these big ‘staches turning down, jackknifing toward the chin. Not this one. Maybe he was shaving his beard one day, started at the bottom working up, got to the upper lip level, liked what he saw, and left it. Or maybe it started standard and kept flaring wider, wider. Maybe just a little bit longer; That asshole Johnson's down the block is wider, I’ll show him; I think the right side’s a touch longer, better grow the left out to match; and on and on.
I guess the art snobs view this guy as a hack or something; not the real deal. ‘Stache envy manifests itself in the most childish of ways sometimes. Here’s some links to his stuff: